Monday, January 25, 2010
The big mistake
Here's the deal: I was following someone's thread on Facebook and it lead me to a page called "Bad Brains:The Movie." It is a documentary of the band from 1979 to the present. I watched the clip, saw Henry Rollins (does the guy make a living being in rock documentaries?), thought "hey, no one called me", and then felt foolish. Of course no one called me. I'm a nobody! But, in 1979, the Bad Brains were a huge part of my life. My band, the Mad, and the Bad Brains did double bills nearly every week, or if not them it was the Misfits. We were often double-billed with one of these bands, and they were what I considered friends at the time. It was long ago, no doubt, but both bands have gone on to become legends, even if one of them is more a legend of the perfect band logo than anything else. I often wonder how many guys with Misfits t-shirts or tattoos have even listened to them.
When I look back on my life, I think what I did once upon a time really screwed me up good. I bet you think I'm talking about the drugs or the bad company. I'm not. I'm talking about the idea that trying to live "a normal life" was preferable to not doing so. Biggest mistake I've ever made. Incredibly stupid. I bought into so many myths that's impossible to count them all on two hands.
One day I'm on the road, living a life most people would kill for, touring with a successful band, making money making noise and acting badly, and I'm thinking "this is bad for me." What kind of idiot thinks that? I wanted "a normal life." I wanted "someone to love me for who I really am." I wanted to have kids and "raise them right."
None of that happened. All of it hinged on mistaken ideas about life. Some of it hinged on the fact that I've always been sick. Someone once wrote a song about me when I was 18 or 19 years old called "Dead Cupcake."
The truth is, if I had continued in that life I once had, I would probably have been much better off. I had no clue. I could have continued to be dysfunctional, sick, or totally nonfunctional. Look at all the "sick" celebrities! Oh well, better luck next time.
Photo note: Back in them days, I used to hide my knitting in the closet! Did I post this pic already?