Pensive mid-day

Lately, I've had such a keen sense of the shortness of this life. Blink! Ten years have passed.

I think back to when I was young and how it seemed as if time just crawled along at a snail's pace. All kids think that, of course. "I can't wait until. . ."

It's silly, but I remember clearly thinking it was absurd how adults had so much trouble getting their Christmas cards and gifts ready in time. Why was it so hard for them? I didn't know we were working on different time schedules.

There's so much I haven't done in this lifetime that I doubt I'll get to. Some days I feel a stinging remorse for not appreciating the preciousness of everything, especially time "wasted."

Then again, remorse is a waste of time. It can be useful, to sharpen one's awareness of what to do in future (and in the moment), but generally I find it's only depressing and mostly an exaggeration of negative memory. There's no reason for me to think I've "wasted my life." Sure, I could have done so many things differently, or "better", but I'm starting to think it's only my tendency towards seeing everything through a dark lens that makes me think this. Plenty of people have done less with their lives and feel perfectly fine.

I often wonder why I've lacked the drive to make my mark in the world. I look at people with enormous ambition and ask myself what makes them tick. I really don't know.

When I was 18, I wanted to show the world that a girl could play electric guitar fast and mean. Where was "the world"? I suppose New York City was good enough. Others keep on. I never felt like I had more to say than that simple thing which seemed so hard. Once accomplished (in my way), I moved on.

That's how it's been. I marvel at how some people sink their teeth into one thing for life and never let go. Not having done that, it's hard to see what the past has been, at least for me.

What is a life? Most of us are not Nobel prize winners, directors of films, authors of books, artists who have forged new styles, architects who have designed buildings, discoverers of new vaccines, curers of disease. Someone once told me there is no such thing as a small life, but a part of me doesn't believe that. . .I should work a bit harder to make that voice quiet down.

Image note: Another little collage I made.